"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle? Me too." - Brene Brown
The journey through quals was, well, a journey and a struggle for me. It was for me an academic right of passage, filled with pretense and full force impostor syndrome. Yet, I was blessed throughout the process to have so many sweet friends, colleagues, and family sending me words of encouragement and prayer (even if they weren't quite sure what this intensive process was all about and just knew it was important and stressful to me). I am SO incredibly thankful and grateful to be on the other side of my qualifying exams, having passed and defended my research proposal so I can move forward with my dissertation research. Yet, I wanted to share a few lessons that will be etched in my mind from this experience.
First, it was the day after my previous post regarding the road to quals. If you read that post, you know the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions I was having surrounding the whole process. I was at my desk clicking away at my keyboard when my boss (well, one of them) stopped in to give me a hug and wish me well after having read the previous post. As she was walking out of my office, she turned back and simply said that the impostor syndrome never truly goes away...just rise above it when those thoughts come. I can't tell you how much good that did my heart...hearing a woman whom I highly respect and admire share a vulnerable moment that essentially said "me too." Even though I knew I wasn't the only one who has ever had those thoughts, hearing it at that moment was the assurance I needed to press on.
The two weeks of writing to answer 9 questions were challenging but overall pretty good. I actually enjoyed some aspects of it, as I was able to think about some things that I have had on the back burner for a couple of years. And, then there were other parts that stretched my thoughts...which, is a good thing. I was certainly glad I opted for the take-home writing option...it reflects my style of writing and general approach to problem solving...a methodical consideration of the situation, time to reflect on various options, immerse into the context, then organizing my thoughts and actually writing the response. And, with a deep breath and a prayer, I pushed send on an email with my answers attached.
Then, a week and a half later there was the oral exam/quals defense. I think this could also be affectionately dubbed one's academic hazing. It is two hours set aside for poking and prodding at any possible angle or response to the submitted responses to the provided questions. While I felt pretty good about my written responses, if you understand my process for writing noted above, you may realize that being in the 'hot seat' doesn't exactly leave time/space for methodical thinking/reflection. So, naturally, I was a hot mess of nerves heading in, complemented by the handful of nightmares I had woken up to in the weeks prior that reflected failing to remember some basic statistical concepts and blanking on providing applicable examples. And, while such nightmares became a reality amidst the questioning from my committee members, and I walked out of the room wondering how could they pass someone who could not for the life of me explain the difference between reliability and validity, the 'ability'-s of qualitative research, or come up with an example on the fly of a quantitative study I'd like to conduct...my committee so graciously encouraged me through those forgetful moments and gave me a vote of confidence. And then came the encouragement of some additional 'me too' moments as I arrived at our Association of Leadership Educators conference...apparently, I'm not the only one who has forgotten some basic stats concepts :).
Some key things I have taken away from this process...
1. Inevitably, there's someone else who has thought/felt the same way...that connection is a great encouragement.
2. Critique is never easy to hear, but offers a reality check.
3. Stretching experiences often bring awareness to our most vulnerable places; simply identifying them only results in greater awareness and potential maintenance of one's current pathway, while leaning in to bring awareness to action in those places results in growth and renewed energy.
4. Logical and pragmatic are my mode of operation...but don't assume or place such parameters on initial thoughts...dream big, then bring it back to what can realistically be done.
Now, time to keep pressing forward with my dissertation research...and building a better bridge from knowledge to practice!
