I recently visited my family, which means staying in my old room. You know, the one that hasn't changed much since you left for college some 15 or so years ago (besides becoming a storage area for all of the Christmas or grandkids things). That is in part because when I left for grad school out of state the idea was always...when you have a house of your own, you can take what you want... However, when I settled in to life as a young professional, it was a 1,000 miles from my parents and in an apartment - not so conducive for bringing some favorites. And, I'm still rocking the single life so have not had the want to share some of that nostalgia with someone else yet. So, I've been trying to sort a little every time I visit so when that day comes it is not quite the overwhelming effort.
On this recent trip, I came across some notes from when I was 15...significant because the end of year 15 of my life is what I would call the end of my natural connection to food. Now, please don't read that as I don't have any connection to food after that (lol); I have, for as long as I remember, loved being in the kitchen - baking, cooking, and bringing people together over food. What I do mean by that statement is that my natural connection to the food that fuels me to do what I do every day, the way I thought and think about food forever changed that year. Because that is what having an eating disorder does. Along with putting a strain on so many relationships through the actual season you are in the depths of that awful disease, it also impacts the way you think about food - I would dare to say forever.
I have often wondered what it would be like to have that 'normal' or natural connection back again. Or, do others who have never walked that awful road of an eating disorder or disordered eating even know that others fight that unspoken battle some/many days long after 'recovery'?
With every found item, memory that pops up at random, or unexpected connection to someone else who has/continues to face this unspoken battle...there are a few things I have to remind myself as a follower of Christ:
1. I have walked this life pathway for a purpose. I may never put the pieces all together about why it happened to me; perhaps some day I may share about it with someone who does not know Christ and can show them how He brought me through it, or some day He will show me what He protected me from in those younger years by me pulling back into that seemingly alternate world in my brain.
2. Christ has given me freedom from the shackles of an eating disorder and I walk in His victory. However, knowing this fact does not mean there will not still be battles faced in this area; there may be seasons that I go months without thinking about it but there may also be seasons where it is a battle to daily remind myself of all the things I know to be true but may not be believing in the moment.
3. He has blessed me with community to pray with and support me in the best and worst of life. Some understand this unspoken battle, while others may not even know my back story. The power of prayer is unmatched and His encouragement comes often through those that have no idea the depth of meaning in the words they say.
While seemingly simple, those truthful reminders did not come to be on a quick timeline by any means. I spent years simply focused on the next big goal to avoid processing the back story that lead to those understandings. I'm thankful that through all of the seasons that surround this topic - both the ones when I struggle yet again and wonder what piece of the lesson from the Lord did I not learn, and the ones where I feel so in step with the Spirit that I forget about the struggle for a bit - He has been and continues to be with me through it all. One of the ways in which the Lord has helped me sort through this mostly unspoken battle is in writing poetry. Yesterday as I was reflecting on many things - trying to 'be still' for just a bit longer, and this came out to be a reminder to myself of His promises that overcome even the worst of days/thoughts. Perhaps it can bless or encourage you as well, or give a glimpse at some of the battles others may be fighting - unbeknownst to you.
