Mindful to Be

The above photo is from my time in a rural village in Peru - Patabamba. Though it's been over a month now since I returned from that adventure with my CALS Leadership Institute students, I have been thinking about my mountain time today. One thing I love about travel is it's a time for me to create a space to better reflect and think. Especially through this summer of doing my qualifying exams and now in the steady process of actually doing the research I proposed to do, an overwhelmed schedule seems to be more of a commonality than weeks where choosing to join a social event or reading something for pleasure is a possibility. And in the midst of a constantly moving schedule, I long for a day to transport my mind to a quieter pace, to truly have a few moments to think deeply and soak in life. Well, after a few months of 'I'll get to it' or 'I'll make that up later'...I had that 'aha' moment (yet again)...timing and my schedule are not going to magically change...I have to make time to do the things I really want and deeply need to do, be it write more, connect with friends more, workout wore, cook more, pray more, etc. So, if that means setting the alarm clock earlier and getting creative a bit, then so be it. :) And, while there is so much more Id like to say...that alarm clock I mentioned is set for quite early to get in that much needed workout time to start my day, so I'll leave you with a little something God put on my heart while I was up in Patabamba...words I need to keep repeating to myself in the midst of this quickening pace and climb... 

Mindful To Be

In the morning, I awake to beams of sunlight;

Thankful for another peaceful, restful night.

I look out to the mountains reaching majestically to the sky;

Amazed at the journey you lead me on with each breath that passes by.

Your creation beckons humility and inspires such awe;

In each season of life, may I bring glory to You in them all.

The cool breeze refreshes me as I walk around this place;

Mindful of Your blessings amidst this simpler space.

Lord, You have slowed my pace in these moments of time;

Renew my spirit, revive my strength, prepare me for the next climb.

As I return to paces quickening, help me be mindful and to see;

Your purpose in each day as to who You call me to be.

Unexpected Encouragement

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle? Me too." - Brene Brown

The journey through quals was, well, a journey and a struggle for me. It was for me an academic right of passage, filled with pretense and full force impostor syndrome. Yet, I was blessed throughout the process to have so many sweet friends, colleagues, and family sending me words of encouragement and prayer (even if they weren't quite sure what this intensive process was all about and just knew it was important and stressful to me). I am SO incredibly thankful and grateful to be on the other side of my qualifying exams, having passed and defended my research proposal so I can move forward with my dissertation research. Yet, I wanted to share a few lessons that will be etched in my mind from this experience.

First, it was the day after my previous post regarding the road to quals. If you read that post, you know the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions I was having surrounding the whole process. I was at my desk clicking away at my keyboard when my boss (well, one of them) stopped in to give me a hug and wish me well after having read the previous post. As she was walking out of my office, she turned back and simply said that the impostor syndrome never truly goes away...just rise above it when those thoughts come. I can't tell you how much good that did my heart...hearing a woman whom I highly respect and admire share a vulnerable moment that essentially said "me too." Even though I knew I wasn't the only one who has ever had those thoughts, hearing it at that moment was the assurance I needed to press on.

The two weeks of writing to answer 9 questions were challenging but overall pretty good. I actually enjoyed some aspects of it, as I was able to think about some things that I have had on the back burner for a couple of years. And, then there were other parts that stretched my thoughts...which, is a good thing. I was certainly glad I opted for the take-home writing option...it reflects my style of writing and general approach to problem solving...a methodical consideration of the situation, time to reflect on various options, immerse into the context, then organizing my thoughts and actually writing the response. And, with a deep breath and a prayer, I pushed send on an email with my answers attached.

Then, a week and a half later there was the oral exam/quals defense. I think this could also be affectionately dubbed one's academic hazing. It is two hours set aside for poking and prodding at any possible angle or response to the submitted responses to the provided questions. While I felt pretty good about my written responses, if you understand my process for writing noted above, you may realize that being in the 'hot seat' doesn't exactly leave time/space for methodical thinking/reflection. So, naturally, I was a hot mess of nerves heading in, complemented by the handful of nightmares I had woken up to in the weeks prior that reflected failing to remember some basic statistical concepts and blanking on providing applicable examples. And, while such nightmares became a reality amidst the questioning from my committee members, and I walked out of the room wondering how could they pass someone who could not for the life of me explain the difference between reliability and validity, the 'ability'-s of qualitative research, or come up with an example on the fly of a quantitative study I'd like to conduct...my committee so graciously encouraged me through those forgetful moments and gave me a vote of confidence. And then came the encouragement of some additional 'me too' moments as I arrived at our Association of Leadership Educators conference...apparently, I'm not the only one who has forgotten some basic stats concepts :).

Some key things I have taken away from this process...
1. Inevitably, there's someone else who has thought/felt the same way...that connection is a great encouragement.
2. Critique is never easy to hear, but offers a reality check.
3. Stretching experiences often bring awareness to our most vulnerable places; simply identifying them only results in greater awareness and potential maintenance of one's current pathway, while leaning in to bring awareness to action in those places results in growth and renewed energy.
4. Logical and pragmatic are my mode of operation...but don't assume or place such parameters on initial thoughts...dream big, then bring it back to what can realistically be done.

Now, time to keep pressing forward with my dissertation research...and building a better bridge from knowledge to practice!

Blueberry Oat Bars

Simple and delicious....these blueberry bars are one of my go-to recipes for gatherings. You can whip them up in less than 10 minutes, and then have nearly an hour for quick clean up of the kitchen and whatever else needs to be accomplished while they bake.

Blueberry Oat Bars
Adapted from Averie Cooks
Yield: 24 squares - 9x13 pan

Crumble Ingredients:
2 sticks of butter (1 cup), melted
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 1/2 cups old fashioned rolled oats (NOT quick oats)
1 t. salt
1 t. cinnamon
1/4 t. nutmeg

Filling Ingredients:
4 cups blueberries (I use frozen directly from the freezer)
1/2 cup sugar
2 T. instant pudding mix (I use sugar free vanilla, roughly half the packet)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven 350' F. Prepare 9x13 pan by lining with foil.
2. Melt the butter in a large bowl.
3. Add the remaining crumble ingredients to the butter; stir until mixture crumbles.
4. Set aside 2 cups of crumble; firmly press remaining crumble into the bottom of the pan. It may not look like it will cover the bottom of the pan at first, but with a little umph it will press down to cover it all.
5. In the now empty bowl, toss the frozen blueberries with the sugar and pudding mix.
6. Pour berries on top of the pressed in crust and distribute out to an even layer.
7. Sprinkle the remaining crumble over top of berries.
8. Bake until golden brown on crumble top, 55 minutes.
9. Cool completely.

To cut the bars when cool, simply lift the foil out of the pan to a cutting board. Return to pan after cut, or add to a serving plate or container. I recommend keeping them in the refrigerator...they will stay good for about a week (if they last that long) and are also yummy from the freezer. Enjoy this burst of summer!

The Road to Quals...

Qualifying Exams...a right of passage, academic tradition, and gateway to being able to embark upon my dissertation research (if I pass :)). While "Quals" look different from department to department and among various schools/colleges/universities, one thing remains the same: the main objective to determine if the student can demonstrate adequate mastery of knowledge and application to their desired field. For me, it will be a two-week 'take home' exam that includes four content areas of questions from my committee members. For each content area of questions, I can write a maximum of 20 pages. Thus, an 80 page maximum to be submitted at the end of those two weeks...80 pages to demonstrate "all" that I have learned for the past 4+ years and degrees past that bring relevant knowledge. It may sound like a lot of space to accomplish that task, but I can assure you those page limits are there for a reason. At the end of the two weeks, I submit those fabulous 80 pages of writing to my committee for some invigorating reading over the next week and a half. Then, we all come together for the oral defense...2 hours of opportunity for questions about what I wrote and any other 'fun' questions they'd like to throw in for the good of the cause. And, for me, I tacked on an additional hour while we will all be gathered together to also defend my dissertation proposal (the first three chapters of my dissertation) because, well why not get both boxes checked off at once. IF my committee deems that I have indeed "passed" my quals and sufficiently developed my dissertation proposal, I will depart as a "PhD Candidate" :).

In some ways, I can't really believe this stepping stone is here. As a part-time student, I've kind of been in auto-pilot mode of taking classes one by one (or occasionally throwing a two class semester in there). It hit me about mid-way through the spring semester that it was approaching time for me to pop my head up and get a grasp on what was coming...responsibility shifting from meeting course assignment deadlines to figuring out how to make this idea for a dissertation a reality. And, with anything that I hold a great value for or investment in, I have an internal battle between being confident in my passions, knowledge, and amazing education received and incredible doubt, thoughts of impostor syndrome, and questioning what I was thinking going for a PhD. I have lots of ideas...but, are they 'good enough'? I've been preparing through organizing files and reviewing folders from past classes, but will I be able to adequately communicate things under the time constraints? Add in a little stress and nerdy excitement and you have a bundle of emotion armed with prayer and a tentative plan to tackle this beast of a stepping stone come Monday morning.

As I've gone through these preparations, it's interesting to think about my own growth, consistently growing in many ways yet still circling some of these internal gremlins. The process has me dreaming of what could be with rediscovering ideas I had jotted down throughout classes but were lost in the shuffle, along with some crazy/creative new ideas sparked along the way (and wondering where the time will come from to implement these ideas). At the same time and seemingly all of the sudden that "what's next" question has been popping up all over the place. That's a little scary...so, I think I'll simply stick with making this stepping stone first. :)

The preparation process has also had me a little sentimental, thinking about all of the amazing, encouraging, and supportive people that continue to surround me on this journey. It always seems like when I'm doubting, someone comes with just the right encouragement...when I'm overwhelmed, someone comes simply to offer a listening ear (even if he or she doesn't understand what I'm talking about). Grateful...so, SO grateful for each and every one of you!

Alas...Monday's coming...I'll be flying under the radar for those couple of weeks as I write...and I covet your prayers and positive thoughts. Yes, it's a big deal...yes, in His strength, it will all go well.

Congo Connections

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23

Six days in the Congo...for traveling thousands of miles, it was an incredibly short trip. Yet, it was just enough to see how God has been and continues to interweave His people to this place. The connections He orchestrated for this trip have left me simply sitting back in awe at our amazing God. At the same time, the mix of emotions I feel as I return to the to-do list is packed with so much that is to be unpacked in the coming days and weeks. So, here's a little glimpse at some of those emotions and a few of my highlights from my first (and Lord willing, not my last) trip to the DRC...

Emotions...

• Grateful: I think any time you visit a developing nation, you return with this sense of gratitude for the many little blessings we often take for granted each and every day. Anything from accessible clean water and shelter to the availability of nutritious food and good work...grateful.
• Overwhelmed: Kinshasa has a population of 12 million people...and it's growing by approximately 1500 people a day! Though 90% claim to be Christian, the religiosity is rampant and truth of the Gospel lacking. The sheer mass of people and poverty was difficult at times to take in. Yet, with so much need, there are many opportunities to begin a work that can multiply truth in various contexts and spread the Gospel to the unreached throughout the Congo Basin! 
• Encouraged: This one was an unexpected emotion for me on this trip; I think I went in hoping to be an encouragement to the missionaries we see working through exhaustion as they see the overwhelming needs each and every day in the midst of trying to learn a new language and discern which opportunities to pursue. Yet, I am walking away from this trip encouraged in multiple ways...I'm encouraged by the steadfast and open pursuit of opportunities, the connections being made. I'm encouraged in the beautiful connections that clearly demonstrate His orchestration of people being called to serve in this difficult place. And, I'm encouraged by the Godly men that I was privileged to serve alongside for a week (all 8 of them)...to keep steadfast in prayer for the Godly man He has for me in His perfect timing. 
• Anticipation: To see a movement beginning leaves me in anticipation for what He is preparing us to engage in, humbled that we get to be  apart of His work, and excited for His Kingdom to be known in some of the hardest to reach places on this earth. 

Highlights...

• Spending time with 6 of our field personnel...a rare opportunity to explore and debrief with these ordinary-extraordinary laborers for Christ. To get that insight to life in a new place, to see and hear their vision for reaching Kinshasa...I consider it a privileged experience. We had one debrief evening that was quite special for me...to hear all of the connections orchestrated to bring us to that one point in time together...amazing.
• Doing a little bit of storying with a group of middle and high school aged girls on purity; it was a stretch experience for me as I continue to learn the various storying methods and one I was thankful to have been sharing with two amazing women I greatly respect. 
• Worship time in a couple of churches...music is such a universal language! 
• A quick stop for cloth...because digging through a pile of cloth with others is definitely an experience...now, to decide what to make from the pattern I could find the most of in the pile...

In Pursuit...

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness." - 1 Timothy 6:11

Well, it's now mid-January and I'm finally getting to my typical 'things I want to accomplish in 2016' list making (technically, I've thought about/done a little bit of dreaming already) but finally getting to the write it down stage this weekend. I'm not one for the whole resolution thing, but I am a big fan of the reflect and set goals (I'm a leadership educator...would you expect anything else?) :). 

I started doing the word and verse for the year a couple of years back...and absolutely love it. Sometimes I go into the year not knowing quite what that word and verse mean, but then looking back on the year can see how God weaved that verse and word throughout the ebb and flow of that year's events. And others...like this year...I can already see how He is using this word and verse to push (err...guide) me along this journey of 2016. It's kind of exciting to see Him at work...yet, also a little overwhelming for my 'responsibility' tendencies to think about the 'what could be' and stepping in faith to make the 'could be' a reality (which will need some big doses courage along the way). So, this year's word is PURSUE...with the verse above as my guide. I'm really liking the active pull...the implications for intentional effort in my walk. Given that my previous two words have been "obey" and "deep"...I can already see this building up process...but, what is He building me up for? 

And, that, is the big question that is consistently a part of walking in faith...obedience into the immediate unknown, yet confidence in the eternal known.

So, I'm looking forward to getting some thoughts on paper this weekend...to give intentionality to my pursuits in 2016. 

As I have prayed for the Lord's mission to be the contagious rhythm of my heart, I know of one mission for me early in 2016...leading our Westside Vision Trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo. If you'd like to connect with me regarding prayer or financial support of that trip, please send me a private message...your support is a tremendous blessing as I 'go'. I'm excited...though my heart is a bit torn with not going back to Benin as I originally had thought I would, I know that this is His hand at work and setting the stage for greater work to be done for His glory in both places! 

For now, signing off to dream and plan for the year ahead. 






Lord, may Your mission be the contagious rhythm of my heart

As I Wait...

Do you ever find yourself waiting in line? What's your immediate reaction? After discussing technology use with my students this semester, I made an effort to be more aware of how I was responding to those little moments of waiting in the midst of trying to be active. And, I must confess...I was a little disappointed in myself...at how quickly a simple line or a change of the stoplight to red made me reach for my phone...as if there was something I missed in the 10 minutes of driving or walking around the grocery store. I've even noticed it the past couple weeks...down time in a rehearsal or a lull in a group...my mind races to other things instead of simply soaking in the moment. AGH! I thought I was making some improvements in being more intentional with my time and thoughts. Clearly, I have a ways to go. How challenging it is in our instant gratification and response society to go against the grain...to be ok with silence and actually enjoy a moment to wait.


I think my frustration with waiting comes often when  I perceive that I can't get anything else accomplished, that my oh so precious time is being wasted. And, with that thought, I just have to smile and laugh...that laugh that comes from realizing you're being taught something for the umpteenth time. It's that humbling laugh of seeing where you've taken a step or two toward pride in claiming time as my own. It's that laugh that brings you to Your knees and drives you to His Word, grateful yet again for His grace and mercy that covers the shortfalls not seeing such moments as opportunities to actually think and thank Him for the overflow of blessings evident by simply looking around while there in line. And, it's that awkward laugh in realizing that the very words He gave me in prose a short while ago are now beckoning me to read again to draw be back to that moment of unity with His thoughts. 
Thankfully, His Word is full of waiting (I suppose that means we can collectively be pretty impatient for His timing), AND full of instruction of what to DO in our waiting. 

• In waiting, we HOPE..."We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name." - Psalm 33: 20-21

• In waiting, we are to be EAGER and STAND FIRM... "God thus confirming our testimony about Christ among you. Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." - 1 Corinthians 1:6-8

• In waiting, we LISTEN with a JOYFUL heart..."The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete." - John 3:29

• In waiting, we  LIVE self-controlled, upright and godly lives... "It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." - Titus 2:12-14

• In waiting, we TRUST..."Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." - Isaiah 40:31

Forgive me, Lord, when I try to rush Your perfect plan;
For in Your presence I long to be walking through this season;
Draw me closer, Lord, as I cling to Your Word;
Father, light Your fire of purpose in my soul;
Lord, may Your mission be the contagious rhythm of my heart;

So grateful that His Word encourages and reassures my heart in the little moments of waiting, as well as in the waiting for the bigger moments of His plan. So, the next time you're standing in line waiting...join me in trying to remember to simply turn our thoughts to Him and how He desires to use those few moments instead of reaching for the phone. (I'm pretty sure we won't miss much in the world in those few minutes...but, what we could miss is a great opportunity for God to use us in an unexpected way.) To close, here's the prayer He put on my heart just a short while ago...may it be a blessing to you this day. 

As I Wait
Father, may hallelujah and praises be ever lifted to You;
From my lips to exalt my Savior with each day anew.

Forgive me, Lord, when I try to rush Your perfect plan;
Grant me patience to humbly submit and courage to boldly stand.

For in Your presence I long to be walking through this season;
Obediently I follow, trusting that in each experience my faith will deepen.

Draw me closer, Lord, as I cling to Your Word;
Holding fast to Your promises, may Your Spirit be stirred.

Father, light Your fire of purpose in my soul;
To see Your vision of my piece in the whole.

Lord, may Your mission be the contagious rhythm of my heart;
May I not tire to seek and serve in that which You have set apart.
Amen